Looking for some funny jew jokes? then you are in the right place.
Jew jokes are made by Jewish comedians, we collect those jokes for you. All these jokes are just for entertainment purposes.
So without wasting time check our massive collection of jew/Jewish jokes. We divide these jokes into funny jew/Jewish jokes, short jew jokes, and long Jewish jokes.
Best Jew Jokes 2021
- My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty.
They sent her home because she insisted SHE was guilty.
- My wife and I did the Jewish divorce custom where we took a broken glass and we put it back together.
- Marilyn Monroe, on being served matzo-ball soup:
“Isn’t there any other part of the matzo you can eat?”
- Saturday in the jewish beehive
- A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, “Is anything alright?
I truly feel like we’re the chosen people when our holidays fall on the weekday
- What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
“Is ANYTHING all right?”
- How many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb?
Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody . . .
- How do we know Jesus was Jewish?
He lived at home until he was 30.
He went into his father’s business.
His mother thought he was G-d.
- What do Jewish wives make for supper?
- What does the Jewish Santa Claus say?
Ho! Ho! Ho! Anybody wanna buy some toys?
- How do you say “f## you” in Jewish?
Funny jew/Jewish jokes
- What’s Jewish Alszheimer’s Disease?
It’s when you forget everything but the guilt…
- No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry;
but then again, no one leaves with a hangover either.
- Why spoil a good meal with a big tip.
- If you don’t eat,
It will kill your mother and grandmother.
- According to Jewish dietary law
Pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
- Virtually all Jewish wisdom is somehow related to food.
Yankel from Williamsburg puts up a sign that says “Boat for sale”
Yoily, his friend says, “But Yankel you only own a house and a car”
“Dat’s right” Yankel responded “And dey are boat for sale”
- “If G-d had intended Jewish women to exercise,
he’d have put diamonds on the floor.”
- What’s a Jewish girl’s favourite wine?
I want to go to Florida!
- What do you call a Jewish Marshall arts champion?
- Did you hear about the Jewish ATM?
When you take out some money, it says to you, what did you do with the last $50 I gave you?
Short jew/Jewish jokes
- Sam Schwartz was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a Policeman.
Walking up to Sam’s car, the Policeman says, “Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back.”
“Thank god for that” I’d thought I’d gone deaf!”
- – Hello.
- Hello -that’s you, Abe?
- Yes, dis is Abe…
- It doesn’t sount like Abe
- Vell, dis is Abe all right.
- You’re positive it’s Abe?
- Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty dolluhs?
- Ven Abe comes in, I’ll tell him you called…
- Sammy has stolen the rabbi’s gold watch.
He didn’t feel too good about it, so he decided, after a sleepless night.
to go to the rabbi.
‘Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.’
‘But Sammy ! That’s forbidden! You should return it immediately !’
‘What shall I do ?’
‘Give it back to the owner.’
‘Do you want it ?’
‘No, I said return it to its owner.’
‘But he doesn’t want it.’
‘In that case, you can keep it.’
- What’s For Dinner?
The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
“When,” scolded Father Kelly playfully, “are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?”
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied “At your wedding reception, Father Kelly.”
- A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, “G-d, what’s a million years to you?”
And G-d said “A minute.”
Then the man asked:
“Well, what’s a million dollars to you?”
and G-d said: “A penny”
Then the man asked:
“G-d…..can I have a penny?”
And G-d said:
“Sure…..In a minute.”
- Three bubbes sitting on a park bench.
The first one lets out a heartfelt “Oy!”
A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply and says “Oy vey!”
A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, “Oy veyizmir!”
To which the first bubbe replies: “I thought we agreed we weren’t going to talk about our children!”
- True Words
A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school. His mother asked, “What is the part you will play, Saul?” Saul responded, “I shall play the Jewish husband,” to which the mother replied, “Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!”
- A Jewish sailor was shipwrecked on a desert island and the first thing he did was build two synagogues….
Years later when he was rescued people were bewildered and asked him: Why he built two synagogues… to which he replied.
“Oh that other one… I would NEVER go there!”
- A man started to tell a joke at a party: “Two old jews were on their way…”
Suddenly he was interrupted by a sensitive guest.
“Why do so many jokes begin with Jews?”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” apologized the story teller, “I’ll start again.
Two old Chinese men were on their way to the Synagogue to see the Rabbi…”
- An elderly Jewish fisherman wrote to a mail-order house the following:
“Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it’s any good, I’ll send you a check.”
In a short time, he received the following reply: “Please send a check. If it’s any good, we’ll send the engine.”
- An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to
the local hospital.
A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Mr Cohen, are you comfortable?”
“I make a living….” he replies.
- Three Jewish mothers get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow “oy.”
The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow “oy.”
The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, “Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about our children.”
- The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”
The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”
The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”
long jew/Jewish jokes
- A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighbourly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this crap?”
- Two kids are in a hospital each lying on a stretcher next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “what are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m getting my tonsils out. I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asked, “What are you in here for?”
The first kids says, “a circumcision.”
The second kid replies, “Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.”
- A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”
“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.
“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.
“What did he say?” asked the man.
He said, “Funny you should come to me…”
- Bussiness Partners
Cohen and Levy are both in the antique business across the street from each other, and have been for years. Cohen hates Levy – he thinks he’s a gonniff and; a liar and; an ignorant bum, and says so publicly. Levy thinks the same about Cohen.
One day Levy leaves the door open to his shop and goes out for a few minutes. Cohen takes the opportunity to walk across the street and steal a magic lantern Levy has in the window. He gets it back to his shop and can’t resist rubbing it. Naturally a genie pops out of the lantern.
“Cohen”, says the genie, “because you have released me from a thousand years of confinement in the lantern, I will grant you one wish – anything you want – money, power, fame, anything. But because the lamp belongs to Levy, whatever it is you get, Levy will get twice as much.”
“You mean,” says Cohen, “if I ask for a million dollars, Levy gets two million?”
“That’s right,” says the genie, “and if you ask for a beautiful woman, Levy gets two beautiful women.”
“All right, genie,” says Cohen. “I know what I want.”
“I wish I were half dead.”
- Home, Sweet Home
A good, old American Jew felt the death is close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called upon his sons and told them: ” Take me quickly back to the United States.”
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: “Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!’
“Yes,” answered the father, to die it’s OK but to live here….!?”
- A young Jewish guy develops a crush on a girl, but when he tells his Father about her, the old boy just wants to know her family name. When the young guy tells him that the girl’s name is Ford, the old boy tells him that Ford is not a good Jewish name, and he must forget her, and go and find a nice Jewish girl. So time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but her name is Austin, so his Father tells him the same thing, to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name. So more time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl’s name is Goldberg. “Goldberg !” exclaims his Father, “This makes me very happy because it is a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family” Then he asks what her first name is. “Is it one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca ?” “No Father” replied the young guy. “It’s Whoopi”
- These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. “My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?” they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, “Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?” The owner looks around and leans in so no one will hear and says, “Shhhh. He thinks we’re teaching him English.”
- The first Jewish President is elected.
He calls his Mother: “Mama, I’ve won the elections, you’ve got to
come to the swearing-in ceremony.”
“I don’t know, what would I wear?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll send you a dressmaker”
“But I only eat kosher food”
“Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food”
“But how will I get there?”
“I’ll send a limo,just come mama”
“Ok Ok, if it makes you happy.
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right. “You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible” “His brother’s a doctor!”
- Two elderly Jewish ladies meet on a street corner.
“So Sadie, how’s by you I haven’t seen you in years?”
“Marvelous, Rivkeh, things couldn’t be better! My son Harold is an Accountant making lots of money. My daughter Cynthia married a rich man, and both of my children have given me beautiful grandchildren and so much naches…but enough about my joys…so what’s by you and your family?”
“Oy Sadie, don’t ask! Me, I have such tsores!”
“Nu Rivkeh, I’m so sorry to hear that; but what kind of tsores?”
“It’s my son Arnold. He revealed to us that he’s a faygeleh.”
“Oy, a faygeleh, what a disaster!”
“I know, but we do have a consolation…”
“Vos for a consolation with a faygeleh?”
“Well, he’s going with such a nice Jewish boy who’s going to be a doctor!”
- A Jewish town had a shortage of men for wedding purposes, so they had to import men from other towns. One day a groom-to-be arrived on a train, and two mother-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him, each claiming ownership on him.
A rabbi was called to solve the problem. After a few minutes of thought, he said: “If this is the situation, you both want the groom, we’ll cut him in half and give each one of you half of him.”
To this replied one woman: “If that’s the case, give him to the other woman.”
The rabbi said: “Do that. The one willing to cut him in half, is the real mother-in-law!”
- One day a Jewish Mother and her 8-year-old daughter were walking along the beach, just at the water’s edge. Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea.
“Oh, G-d,” lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and shaking her fist. “This was my ONLY baby. I can’t have more children. She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she’s been with me. Give her back to me, and I’ll go to the synagogue every day for the rest of my life!!!!”
Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on the sand.
The mother looked up to heaven and said, “She had on a HAT!!!!”
- A little Jewish lady from the U.S., touristing in Paris, enters a chic confectionery boutique, and says, “Vill you plz give me a box size-Krim, if you dunt mind?”
The clerk behind the counter straightens up and replies, “Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say ?ize-krim?, ve say? glace?.”
“Aw K”, says Mrs Ginsberg, “I’ll have a box glace. End if you’ll plz, handle me also a package cookies end a box kindy.”
The clerk replies haughtily, “Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say ?cookies?, ve say ?pastilles?; and ve do not say? kindy? ve say? bonbons?.”
“Dot’s fine”, replies Mrs Ginsberg, “put in de peckidge pastilles end also a box bun buns. End if you’ll dunt mind, repp it opp, I’ll take it to bit me.”
At that, the clerk draws herself up to her full five feet of height, looks Mrs Ginsberg straight in the eye, and replies, “Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not schlep pekelach!”
- An elderly Jewish couple is sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. Unluckily, this Island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives.”
The husband turns to his wife and asks,
“Esther, did we turn off the stove?” and Esther replies, “of course.”
“Esther, are our life insurance policies paid up?” “Of course.”
“Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?” “Oh my G-d, I forgot to send the check!!”
“Thank Heaven! They’ll find us for sure!!”
- A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. “Ouch!” the Chinese man says. “What was that for?” “That was for Pearl Harbor,” the Jewish man says. “But I’m Chinese!” “Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?” And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. “Ouch!” the Jewish man says.
“What was that for?” “That was for the Titanic,” the chinese man says.
“But that was an iceberg!” “Ice berg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”
- Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please Bernie, before it’s too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?”
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, Bernie said: “One less Jewish lawyer”.
- Bernie an old Jewish codger, was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
“I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you told me about?”
“It’s $50,000”, the lawyer said, “But why? You’ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?”
“That’s my business!” answers Bernie, “Get me the course!”
Four days later, Bernie got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid.
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